Tag Archives: kids

People I Have Encountered as a Parent That I’d Like to High Five in the Face…

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Since becoming a mom, I have encountered a number of people that really need a high five in the face….sounds a bit violent?  Well perhaps once you see my reasons you will understand.  Here they are:

1.)  Time Management “Experts”

First of all, these people never have kids.  Seriously, if I only needed to manage my own time I would be a Time Management Expert as well.  Nothing is more frustrating than a perky, beautifully put together, recent college grad telling you how to better organize your day.   When I had my first two children I worked full time, and commuted to get to the office.  This meant that everyone had to be out the door on time, but also with all the gear for the day in tow as well as looking presentable.  My employer at the time liked to have the occasional seminar for us where a Time Management Expert would come and talk to us about how to be on time, organize our day etc. etc….She would tell us things like, “Try leaving the house fifteen minutes earlier than you have to, to create a buffer for yourself if you start to run behind.”  Lady,  I could leave the house an hour before I am supposed to, since I probably haven’t been to bed, but these things are still going to happen:  First, the toddler will get fully undressed while I am buckling the baby into his seat.  Then, while I am dealing with redressing the toddler, the baby will either spit up or have a diaper explosion which will require me to remove him from the seat to change him.  While I am doing this, the toddler will undress again, this time losing one of her shoes in the process.  Then, the baby will decide he does not want to go back into the seat and will refuse to sit, thus causing a wrestling match that will go on for several minutes while the toddler tosses the shoe I just spent fifteen minutes locating out of the vehicle.  I won’t notice this until I arrive at daycare, and will then have to go back and retrieve the shoe.  So, take your fifteen minute buffer and stick it.

Then she would tell us about how to allow ourselves time to get ready and look professional when we arrive at work.  My favorite tip was to lay our clothes out the night before for the next day….really?  First of all, anything I lay out the night before is going to go missing since my toddler likes to hide things in the toy box, laundry hamper, any available drawer, under the bed.  I was late for this seminar because my car keys and cell phone were stashed in the caboose of a sit and ride train toy…Second of all, I could lay my outfit out a month before I have to be at work, it isn’t going to stop the baby from spitting up all over me, the very second I cross the threshold into daycare….

If you want a working mom to take a Time Management Expert seriously, hire another mom…have secret underground meetings about tips no one tells you about.  How to hog tie, and bribe with Smarties….just a suggestion.

 

2.)  Grocery Store Eye Rollers:

Oh I’m sorry, are you not enjoying my child’s tantrum?  Strange, because I love it!  In fact we rehearse this before we leave the house because it makes running a bunch of errands sooooooo much easier.  If you aren’t going to get off your high horse and help me carry this stuff to my car while I desperately cling to this writhing, screaming child, then at least keep your eye rolls to yourself.  Thank you.

3.)  Doctors that Don’t Listen:

There is not a team of scientists on this planet that can rival a mom with a sick child and access to Google.  We will do anything to help our children, so don’t treat us like we are overreacting when we show up in your office.  We don’t get paid to worry this much, you do.

4.)  Parenting “Experts” with No Children:

NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is more infuriating than someone without children telling you how to parent your children.  How on earth can you even call yourself an expert in something you have never actually done?  Do you need some engine work done on your car?  Well I just read a book about it so why don’t you tell me all about what a terrible parent I am while I tear your car engine apart for you?  I also took a course recently online about the importance of cardiovascular health.  Why don’t you hand me a scalpel and I’ll take care of that blocked artery for you while you tell me why I shouldn’t bed share? Seriously, stop it.  If you don’t have children, don’t tell me how to raise mine.

You know you have a larger than “normal” family when…..

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I hate the word “normal.”  Unless it is being used to describe temperature, rainfall, or a setting on your appliances, it can be a very frustrating and sometimes insulting way to describe a person or a situation.  Who gets to decide what’s “normal” in society?  There was a time when it was considered “normal” to have a large family.  Years ago it wasn’t unusual at all to have six or more children in a family and in fact it was considered a blessing and at times a status symbol.  In fact it was considered strange if you didn’t have lots of children.  Fast forward to today…..by the third child you start to get raised eyebrows and unwanted remarks.  My personal favorite is the always popular, “You do know how this keeps happening don’t you?”  Hilarious…..just once I’d like to respond with a perfectly straight face, “No, but could you please tell me because I’d sure like to figure this mystery out.” If you have more than three children the assumptions are usually as follows:

1.)  You own a farm.

2.) You are having lots of children for religious reasons.

3.)  You are trying for a specific gender.

4.)  You are trying to get your own reality tv show…..

Here’s the thing, there are some people, apparently not the “normal” ones, who actually want a large family.  Some of us love the chaos and insanity that comes with having extra little people running around our homes like amazing little maniacs.  We love the fact that dinner will be a crowded table with lots of voices either sharing bits and pieces of their days, telling fart jokes or fighting over the last roll.  We love that there will never be a clean towel left, the laundry will never be done, someone will always be missing a shoe or a homework assignment because someone else put it somewhere “safe” and that when anything gets broken, it will collectively be no one’s fault because there really is safety in numbers.  We love that our many children will always have each other in this life, and even though they regularly try to kill each other off at home, heaven help the kid on the playground who dares to mess with one of them.  We love that the bathroom will never be free, we won’t sleep for years, and those moments when we peek into a room unseen and witness our older child helping a younger sibling learn to read, or simply giving them comfort after a hard day.  It is truly magical.  So call us crazy, but we love it.  Will we complain about it, blog about it and sometimes lose our minds over it?  Of course.  But we would not have it any other way.  So, for those of you wondering if you are one of us crazy ones who have a larger than “normal” family here is a checklist:

1.)  When grocery shopping, if a product is marked as “Family Sized” it means that you need two, possibly three of them.  Also, at some point in time you have had a cashier look at your cart and ask if you work in a group home…..

2.) Your grocery bill is often more than your mortgage payment.

3.)  You feel like you run a 24 hour diner, with rude guests who refuse to tip and often complain about the service.

4.)  You own a mini van and you still need one of those storage things for the roof, and your spouse drives a second vehicle if you all go away on a family vacation.  This is because of a lack of space and not because your spouse doesn’t want to drive with all of you….although I would suggest you make him take the one who gets motion sick….just saying….

5.)  If, like myself you do not live in a mansion, your bathroom will require the use of a finely tuned and closely monitored schedule to keep everyone clean and avoid world war three.  You also wash at least two loads of towels a day, constantly question if anyone uses any of the toothbrushes in the pile on the sink, and keep the folks at Lysol in business dealing with toilets….

6.)  You are always playing referee to such arguments as, “That’s my spot!”  “That’s my cup!” “That’s my shirt!”  “Those are my snow pants!”  Etc…..

7.)  You live with what feels like a small village of people and yet no one ever knows how anything got broken or who put the empty carton of milk back in the fridge.

8.)  There is always an empty carton of milk in your fridge.

9.)  You never sleep because someone is ALWAYS awake.  I am pretty sure they take shifts.

10.) Keeping track of everyone’s doctor’s appointments, after school activities and homework assignments is like some sort of marathon in your house.  This should really be considered for an Olympic sport and the time management gurus come to you for help.

11.)  Getting everyone to school on time fully clothed, with their lunches and both shoes should also be considered an Olympic sport in your home.  I’m deadly serious about this.  I’ve written letters to the folks at the Olympics….they think I’m joking….I’m not.

12.)  You haven’t spoken to your husband since the fourth child came along, but you are pretty sure he’s the guy with the beard that shows up around dinnertime to eat at your 24 hour diner…he also doesn’t tip.

13.)  And last but not least, even though your life is utter chaos,  your house is a disaster, you don’t eat, sleep or shower and your account balance regularly hits 0, you know that one day they will all move on and have their own lives.  Suddenly, as quickly as it all began it will be over.  Your house will fall silent.  And that very thought breaks your heart into a thousand pieces.  So you will take a breath, pour some wine, and savor every last minute of it all.  Because you simply wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

 

 

Exercise and raising small children….also known as “Mission Impossible”

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If you have small children, you likely spend a great deal of your day outside, which is wonderful.  Unless of course, it is Winter and you are experiencing some of the coldest temperatures on record since the last ice age.  For so much of this Winter I simply have not been able to get outside with the littlest members of our crew.  This has led to me question why we did not have a wine cellar built in the basement instead of a laundry room, and also desperately feeling in need of some exercise.  Now, exercise and small children seem like they should go hand in hand….but they don’t.  Not actual, real exercise.  Have you ever gone for a “walk” with a toddler?  Earlier this week the temperature finally crept high enough that with the sun shining away I was able to bundle up the two and a half year old, pile blankets on the one year old in the stroller and GO OUTSIDE!!!! Oh glorious day!!!! I would finally be able to stretch my legs and save my sanity.  I suggested to my little man that we go for a walk….we made it to the neighbor’s driveway….at that point he made a lovely snow angel for the neighbors on their front lawn, returned their recycling bin to their garage (even though ours are apparently just fine to leave in our ditch until next recycling day) and then the garbage truck came.  Oh, and a plane flew over.  This all took nearly an hour, at which point we needed to make the strenuous hike back home, one driveway over, to go inside and warm up.  Sigh…..

Rather than suggesting to a toddler that you should go for a walk, some more appropriate suggestions would be the following:

1.) Let’s go sit on the side of the road and look at a rock you find fascinating.

2.)  Let’s go draw masterpieces in the dirt with sticks and then spend an hour arguing with me over why I won’t let you run with those sticks.

3.)  Let’s go sit on the side of the road and wave at cars.

4.)  Let’s go outside and point at birds.

5.)  Let’s go outside, walk about five doors down thus giving mommy false hope, and then throw yourself on the ground having a massive tantrum because I won’t let you put a caterpillar in your pocket.

And there are always those folks that will very helpfully suggest that you simply make junior ride in the stroller…..um ya, thanks.  I hadn’t thought of that.  That may work occasionally, but once your little darling finds their feet and realizes they can use those amazing things to “gasp” RUN, good luck convincing them to sit, and ride in something resembling their car seat….which they also hate.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love seeing the world through the eyes of my children.  Having the opportunity to experience nature as magical and awe inspiring again, is truly beautiful.  However, sometimes mama wants to work on her muffin top!!!!!!

So, I devised a plan.  My wonderful mother in law gave me her elliptical machine and my wonderful husband hauled it into our basement.  I was on a mission.  I would hop on it and work out for about four minutes at least three times a day.  Four minutes was the amount of time I felt I could safely leave the munchkins to play.  Sounds doable right?  At first I used the dryer timer….since there is usually laundry in it that needs to be fluffed, it made sense.  But staring at the heat ducts and listening to the dryer going was really boring so I upgraded my fancy home gym to allow for the use of my cell phone and whichever song I could find on You Tube that I felt would rev me up…Unfortunately, if listening to music, it is hard to discern which sounds from the floor above are bad sounds or good sounds…are the kids playing or staging a coup?  Is it fun, sing along time or Lord of the Flies? Also, have you ever tried to leave the room to do ANYTHING for longer than 30 seconds without disaster striking?  Or this lovely chorus following you?  “Mommy!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! Mom? Mommy where are you?  I come?  Mommy I come?  I help? Mommy I come help?  Mommy I come help you? MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! I hungry.”  Put this little ditty on repeat and I don’t care what song you are trying to listen to, it is not going to drown it out, and after less than two minutes your increased stress level is doing battle with whatever health benefits you might be achieving from your increased heart rate.

So, I have decided to cut myself some slack….running up and down the basement stairs to retrieve laundry is technically cardio, driving dinky cars around the floor is basically yoga, and bathing multiple children in a day is now classified as water aerobics….the muffin top will have to be dealt with when they are all in University.